I never existed at all- A glimpse of my past

As I walk home,

I could not resist staring at the darkened sky over me.

And through my deepest sigh,

scenes from my past slowly flashed on my mind.

I remembered the time I was still young.

So healthy, so vibrant.

Filled with hopes, filled with dreams.

It's as if nothing and no one could stop me

from doing things that I wanna do.



I was filled with very high expectations of what

I dreamed of what I would like to be.

I would like to be known in my chosen field,

I wanted to be popular. I wanted to be great.

Sounds so simple hopes, right?



But as I trod my life's way,

the road ahead of me becomes narrower,

becomes stiffer.

It's as if every time i try to do my best,

to do great things not only to achieve something

but also to please the people who I call my family,

I always tend to fail...

Yes... it's painful to accept.But I always fail.



It's as if every time I try to step ahead,

my feet were being pulled back to where I started.

I wanted to be a painter... I wanted to be a great painter.

But, they would say,

"What?! you just wanted to be a painter?"

So, with fear and shame I frantically utter

Yes... I wanted to be just a painter...

And then I would hear their mocking laugh.

And the thundering sound remained in every minute

of my life. I would always hear their voices,

As if every laugh was embedded in my mind.

Little did they know they were killing my spirit

they were killing my hopes,

they were killing my soul.



Until one day I found myself confused of what I wanted

to do, of what i wanted to become.

I was at lost...

It's as if I was thrown out to the sea

and was left alone to drift and wander.

I knew I was drowning...it's as if i was dying.



I could not remember how many nights i cried alone.

How many times I cursed myself because

I am weak... I simply cannot admit to myself

that I am not who I think I am.

But... I must admit... I have to admit...

I am just a useless weakling.



I cannot even stand up for my right.

I cannot even open my mouth to tell them they are wrong.

I cannot even prove to myself that I am right.

I cannot even stop myself from blaming me.





That night, before I went to bed,

I promised myself, I will start leading a different direction.

I will wake up as a new born human being.

I was filled with new hopes again.

But when I told them I wanted to be a writer,

they all laughed at my face again...

the same faces mocking... laughing at me.

They said "Now you want to be a worthless writer,

you think people would spend time reading your crap?"





I was devastated... I was killed for the second time.

Then again, their mocking laughs was thundering,

echoing into my ears. It's as if breaking my brain...

It's as if breaking my sanity.

That night, tears flooded... again... again.. again...

It's as if my eyes would never stop shedding painful bitter tears.



So I let go of myself...

I let go of my high hopes...

I let go of my dreams...



I simply let my self be tossed to whatever direction they

wanted me to go... whatever they wanted me to be...



And slowly time passed me by.

Years passed, with nothing to hope for,

with nothing to expect.

Here I am aged by time.

But what have I achieved through those years?

What have I gained through those folds of years?

So I looked within myself trying to find the answers,

but... it was empty.... I am empty.



I am now nearing to the sunset of my life.

Soon I would fade from this earth's face,

Soon I will die...



I cannot think of anything that I would leave behind

for them to remember me.

For them to remind how I lived, how I existed.

Deep in my heart I know there is nothing...

There is Nothing...



Deep in my heart I know I would pass away

just like this darkened night over me,

Unheard... Unnoticed...

Because... I didn't exist...

I never existed at all...



D' Drippingmind-blue
24th of March 2009